I got it!

I am sooooo happy! I went for an interview yesterday and I got a new job!

Just a bit of background: I worked for a call centre for 6 years. It was during my time there that I had my first breakdown and was diagnosed with Bipolar. I always thought that it was the stress of work and other personal things that lead to my illness, so I vowed I wouldn’t work in a call centre again. Now I’m more balanced and am excited to go back to that environment. I’ve been a receptionist for just over 2 years now and am so bored with this line of work it was driving me crazy. It’s kinda weird, why would I willingly go back into that stressful environment with erratic shifts and irate customers? How is it that the place I once dreaded now seems to stir my heart? Am I setting myself up for failure? I’m reasoning that it’s only for 4-6 months then I can see how it goes. I might as well give it a go. I think I can crack it. Oh and if you’re wondering why I would give up a permanent job for a contract position, our company merged with another and will be restructuring. They offered voluntary packages (which I won’t benefit from since I’m not here long enough). It looks like they will be closing our branch thus I will be without work and well a girls gotta eat. So I figured I’ll have something to tide me over and keep me from going insane and in the meantime look for something else.

So anyways, last night I decided to celebrate with my frenemy alcohol. I woke up at 8:30 this morning so decided I’ll just stay home, but my colleagues called and said they needed me so I am at work and uber tired. Good thing we don’t have a branch manager anymore cause I would never have been able to pull a stunt like that otherwise. Don’t judge me, I don’t make it a habit of drinking during the week but I just couldn’t help myself. Now all I want to do is sleep but I can’t. Am I allowed to feel sorry for myself?

Anyhoo, I have a resignation letter to type out. Have a great day!

No pay day

So my world is topsy turvy today. Our bosses decided to play with our livelihoods and not pay us. I had given my last money to my sister this morning for bus fare and thought I’g be ok since it’s pay day. Alas when I went to the petrol station this morning to draw money, the ATM was offline. I decided I would wait an hour, wake up my neighbour and ask him to take me to the next closes one, but in the mean time I could have some biltong(beef jerky) and cigs to keep me occupied. When they swiped my card it got declined, TWICE!!! DAMN SUCKS!!!!

Die moer in!!!

Basically my title means I am very angry!!!

I feel like peeling skin off a colleague of mine. I am usually not a violent person or even have bad thoughts about harming people but she has worn me down.

Currently we have no manager at our branch which is awesome cause we can now basically do as we want as long as our work gets done, right? But oh no, W has decided she will be interim manager and report all our comings and goings to head office.

I am notorious for coming late ( it’s just wrong to get up early in the morning!!!) so she decides to tell on me. Every perceived infraction in her eyes gets relayed to head office. I don’t know why I care tough since I plan on leaving this dump of a job asap but there’s the people pleaser in me that prompts me to care about what people think.

Funny enough, I was early today, but just thinking of her makes my blood boil. I make her coffee in the mornings that the cleaning lady is off, and it begs the question “can I poison her?”. She feeds the birds and feral cats here at work and yesterday as she was throwing the birds their food, I had a vision of them attacking her. That was a pleasant thought 🙂 boy do I feel bad. Wait, nope, that feeling just passed. I hear her on the phone to head office again, Grrr. I’m trying to stay focused on this post and not envision various ways for her to suffer then die. But it’s so much fun to imagine hehehehe.

I was just thinking last night that I might try going off my risperidone but maybe that is not such a good idea. Don’t worry, I won’t go off any meds without seeing a doctor first. I finally get to see one next month. It’s been over a year since I last saw one and I really needed to see someone during that time. I am fairly stable right now despite the fact that I have no friends or social life to speak of. Am very lonely and am in bed for most of my free time watching whatever series I can get my hands on.

Ok, I admit I feel a bit better now after my vent but I’d still like to try some torture methods out on W.

Hurting

You weren’t there for me when I needed you most
You’re not a man to me, just a remnant, a ghost
You say you love me but only when in drunken stupor
God forbid this be my future!
For if my wedded bliss turns this sour
I swear I’ll run that very hour

To put my offspring through such pain
Would mean I must have gone insane!
You’ve scarred me in ways I don’t even know
The evidence of which is beginning to show
So how must I now begin to heal?
When there are times I’m too afraid to feel

To fully embrace the tumult of emotions
Would put to rest any silly notions
That what I went through was not that bad
Others had it worse, had no dad
I feel for them, I really do
But what about what I went through?

Why must I feel bad for having one?
We can trade, I’d rather have none!
You think I’m harsh and should be grateful
You feel a void where I feel hateful
Full of disdain and at times disgust
Prone to doubt and always mistrust

My only prayer is that I don’t become her
Repeat the mistakes of the past in the future
Continue a cycle of raising another hurting generation
Inherit their curse, their damnation
Instead to move forward and begin my exodus
In the hope that one day I’ll be free from all this

2009 © Kim Koetie

The challenge

I agreed, said yes but I didn’t know
Had no clue of how things would go.
This job, this priveledge a huge responsibility
At times seems ok but at times feels too much for me.

I question God, “Am I doing it right?”
Then why does it seem like its one big fight?
Round after round I get knocked out again
Only to rise just before the count of ten.

I guess that I know but am slow to admit
That even in times I would most want to quit
Give in to my fears from so deep inside
Un-bury my ego, my doubt and my pride

That indeed I was chosen, hand picked by Him
To care for and nurture and usher in
Instructing the young ones in the ways of the Son
To love and admonish each and every one

Lay a foundation based on the truth
Capture their hearts at the peak of their youth
Encourage that each one would teach one or two
Living a life completely surrendered to You

Though I know this is how it’s supposed to be
I realise it doesn’t mean this will be easier for me
But I do know that God is all powerful and wise
And so daily to the challenge I will rise

2010 © Kim Koetie

Guilty

You’re not the guilty party but you definitely had your share

In adding to my anguish, the hurt I could not bare

I fear I’ll never trust you or look at you the same

The way you handled my suffering just multiplied my pain

I know you’re gossip mongers but never did I think

You’d turn your wagging tongues at me as fast as you could blink

I know I should forgive you but it’s still so raw inside

I’ve stayed away for so long but not in order to hide

So for now I’ll still avoid you, keep you arms length away

Right now I still can’t face it, I can only take it day by day

2010 © Kim Koetie

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Our Lived Experience

Blahpolar Diaries is one of our resident authors at Our Lived Experience and she’s also quite talented in other areas like design and probably eating chillipoppers (Jalapeno peppers stuffed with Feta cheese and then deep fried). The latter is a guess but I wouldn’t be surprised.

She designed a beautiful badge for bloggers associated with OLE (check our blogroll on the right hand side of the screen). If you’re open about your illness and write about it, we’d love to hear from you!

We aim to create a network of bloggers where we can:

• Examine issues relating to a particular group of people (Bipolar Disorder, Depression, OCD, Borderline Personality Disorder etc.)
• Develop into a national network that would provide a basis for mutual support (which will enable sharing of ideas and experiences)
• Work toward raising awareness, education and thereby de-stigmatizing mental illness in our country

We welcome you to share who you are with…

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Hope springs eternal

So today, while I was delaying posting anything since it would have been more ranting about how boring work is, I finally received a response from a potential employer. It’s only seasonal (4 months) but it is better than nothing, which is what I’ll be left with if my current employer decides to close our branch – which is what is probably gonna happen. The new job is in a not so new call centre environment which when I left it 4 years ago, I swore I would never return to.

I worked in one call centre for a period of six years and it drained the life out of me. Towards the last two years was when my depression kicked in (I of course didn’t have a problem with the hypomania) and the stress of the work really became too much. It was really affecting my health physically too as I was in and out of my doctor’s office with chronic sinus problems which magically disappeared when I stopped working there.

Since then I have avoided call centre work like the plague. I am great at it, but I’m afraid that I will go down that same path and end up in hospital again. Now I don’t really have a choice so I might as well give it a go especially cause it’s not permanent which will be sort of a test to see if I still have what it takes and also my sister works there and she says the work is super easy. What do I have to lose right?

So here’s to the future, just one thing standing in my way and that’s the interview, but my sister says that is easy too. I hope she’s right cause I’m already nervous why did they have to make the appointment a week away???!!!

Slow death

So today I’m going to complain about something that I shouldn’t complain about: Work

“How dare you? At least you have a job.” Screams the voices in my head. “But it’s so boring!” I shout back in despair.

I’m a receptionist. I’ve been at my current job for a year and a half now. At first it was kinda ok. I was learning a few new things, but now it’s all so frustratingly boring. I have way too much free time and nothing is exciting or challenging anymore. Just the same crap each day. I long for the days to be over and the weekend to come and save me, but for what? I have no social life to speak of either. I often question the point of my existence. I’m nearing the big 30 and have accomplished nothing of significance in my years.

I remember feeling like this at one time in my youth too, so utterly alone and lost and without purpose. I used to wish something would happen, anything that would bring about change in my monotonous state of being. I would imagine horrific accidents and near death experiences sometimes. Is that weird? There were the odd happy fantasies but mostly they were dark and intense.

When the depression hit me after a few good years of living the high life of hypo mania life, I yearned for those boring days. Those days where I didn’t have to fight this ugly monster on my own and with no weapons.

Life is a lot more balanced now except for the odd wobbly here and there. I’m doing ok but sitting and doing almost nothing all day is really sucking the life out of me. Each day I die a little more.

What is actually surprising me is the fact that I have not gone into a tailspin over the fact that I might be without a job in the next few months. The old me would have freaked out and thought the world was ending. Maybe I’m in denial and it will hit me one day soon. For now I’m just going about my life as normal.

Sorry if this post is a bit all over the place, my head feels a bit like a shaken snow globe.

Up

Today I woke up feeling good and it just got better from then onwards. There’s no reason for this, no good news to report, except the sun has come out to play mid winter which I am totally loving.

I just wish I could be sitting outside basking in the sun but alas I am stuck indoors behind a reception desk with nothing to do. I’m feeling so antsy today. Got tons of energy and no way to expel it. Even just writing this post is difficult, I feel like jumping out of my skin. I can’t focus on anything not even my daydreams which I’m oh so good at.

I can’t concentrate anymore. I’m out!