Tired

Hi again

So I have this new job which I’m not enjoying and wish it could be over already. I know I should be grateful that I am employed but call centre work is just not for me.

I have 5 weeks left at this job before my contract expires and then I’m on the job hunt again. Hope I get something satisfying and well paying.

Two weeks ago I went into a very bad low and took almost a week ff from work. That’s when I reached out to my previous therapist and I am now seeing her for a definite period of four months once a week.

I’ve only seen her twice so far but it has been really good for me. I’m starting to feel so much better. I can’t shake the darkness that looms in the background yet but I’m hoping it will dissipate with time.

Oh! Almost forgot. I’m kinda really excited cause its my birthday on Saturday. I’m turning 30 so it’s a big one. Gonna party hard!!! Wish you could all come 🙂

Gotta go now!

Ciao!

 

 

 

 

Hello again

Hi everyone

So sorry for the long period of silence. Been adjusting to my new job and don’t have internet access at home so I had to wait for the opportunity of free time at work.

So far this new direction I’ve taken hasn’t been as tumultuous as I thought it might be. I am actually really enjoying this new venture. I have a cool shift where I work from 1pm till 10pm which suits me as I love sleeping in. I will admit to feeling overwhelmed at times, but I am trying to not put too much pressure on myself.

Today I am very tired as I partied a bit too much the weekend but that’s ok, I have less than two hours till home time then I can sink into a semi coma.

I will work really hard at coming online daily but I can’t make any promises. But for now I just want to let you all know I am ok and doing fine.

Chat soon!

Farewell

No, don’t worry, I am not leaving wordpress. Today I am saying farewell to my old job. A place I could almost call home for the last year and a half. I’ve had many good and bad days here which is why it feels like I am leaving family in a way. We were a pretty close knit group and knew most of each others business as we were so few people. There were days I cried at work and was comforted by my colleagues, days where there were thunder clouds hovering above my head and they knew well enough to leave me alone and then there were the good times when we all laughed together. So I will miss this crazy place and the people I got to get to know here.

My new job is only a contract position till the end of December and the excitement of this new adventure is waning and the fear of the unknown is gripping ever tighter like a noose around my neck. Yesterday I had this strong wave of depression that crashed over me but that had more to do with the fact that I feel alone and like no-one understands me. This because my sister had said things to the effect that it was simply mind over matter and basically discounted my fears at the thought of my new job. Am I not justified to feel fear? She knows my history of working in a call centre but I guess she will never understand and I can’t exactly blame her. To her I guess I’m just supposed to get over it already.

I really wish I could speak to someone about how I feel. But how do I ask my new employer time off when I’ve yet to begin really.

Anyway, today I will spend my last day at my old workplace and make the best of it. I won’t be able to post as often as I would like to from now on since I won’t have as much fee time but I will do my best to keep you all up to date on what’s going on my my crazy world.

I got it!

I am sooooo happy! I went for an interview yesterday and I got a new job!

Just a bit of background: I worked for a call centre for 6 years. It was during my time there that I had my first breakdown and was diagnosed with Bipolar. I always thought that it was the stress of work and other personal things that lead to my illness, so I vowed I wouldn’t work in a call centre again. Now I’m more balanced and am excited to go back to that environment. I’ve been a receptionist for just over 2 years now and am so bored with this line of work it was driving me crazy. It’s kinda weird, why would I willingly go back into that stressful environment with erratic shifts and irate customers? How is it that the place I once dreaded now seems to stir my heart? Am I setting myself up for failure? I’m reasoning that it’s only for 4-6 months then I can see how it goes. I might as well give it a go. I think I can crack it. Oh and if you’re wondering why I would give up a permanent job for a contract position, our company merged with another and will be restructuring. They offered voluntary packages (which I won’t benefit from since I’m not here long enough). It looks like they will be closing our branch thus I will be without work and well a girls gotta eat. So I figured I’ll have something to tide me over and keep me from going insane and in the meantime look for something else.

So anyways, last night I decided to celebrate with my frenemy alcohol. I woke up at 8:30 this morning so decided I’ll just stay home, but my colleagues called and said they needed me so I am at work and uber tired. Good thing we don’t have a branch manager anymore cause I would never have been able to pull a stunt like that otherwise. Don’t judge me, I don’t make it a habit of drinking during the week but I just couldn’t help myself. Now all I want to do is sleep but I can’t. Am I allowed to feel sorry for myself?

Anyhoo, I have a resignation letter to type out. Have a great day!

No pay day

So my world is topsy turvy today. Our bosses decided to play with our livelihoods and not pay us. I had given my last money to my sister this morning for bus fare and thought I’g be ok since it’s pay day. Alas when I went to the petrol station this morning to draw money, the ATM was offline. I decided I would wait an hour, wake up my neighbour and ask him to take me to the next closes one, but in the mean time I could have some biltong(beef jerky) and cigs to keep me occupied. When they swiped my card it got declined, TWICE!!! DAMN SUCKS!!!!

Die moer in!!!

Basically my title means I am very angry!!!

I feel like peeling skin off a colleague of mine. I am usually not a violent person or even have bad thoughts about harming people but she has worn me down.

Currently we have no manager at our branch which is awesome cause we can now basically do as we want as long as our work gets done, right? But oh no, W has decided she will be interim manager and report all our comings and goings to head office.

I am notorious for coming late ( it’s just wrong to get up early in the morning!!!) so she decides to tell on me. Every perceived infraction in her eyes gets relayed to head office. I don’t know why I care tough since I plan on leaving this dump of a job asap but there’s the people pleaser in me that prompts me to care about what people think.

Funny enough, I was early today, but just thinking of her makes my blood boil. I make her coffee in the mornings that the cleaning lady is off, and it begs the question “can I poison her?”. She feeds the birds and feral cats here at work and yesterday as she was throwing the birds their food, I had a vision of them attacking her. That was a pleasant thought 🙂 boy do I feel bad. Wait, nope, that feeling just passed. I hear her on the phone to head office again, Grrr. I’m trying to stay focused on this post and not envision various ways for her to suffer then die. But it’s so much fun to imagine hehehehe.

I was just thinking last night that I might try going off my risperidone but maybe that is not such a good idea. Don’t worry, I won’t go off any meds without seeing a doctor first. I finally get to see one next month. It’s been over a year since I last saw one and I really needed to see someone during that time. I am fairly stable right now despite the fact that I have no friends or social life to speak of. Am very lonely and am in bed for most of my free time watching whatever series I can get my hands on.

Ok, I admit I feel a bit better now after my vent but I’d still like to try some torture methods out on W.

Hurting

You weren’t there for me when I needed you most
You’re not a man to me, just a remnant, a ghost
You say you love me but only when in drunken stupor
God forbid this be my future!
For if my wedded bliss turns this sour
I swear I’ll run that very hour

To put my offspring through such pain
Would mean I must have gone insane!
You’ve scarred me in ways I don’t even know
The evidence of which is beginning to show
So how must I now begin to heal?
When there are times I’m too afraid to feel

To fully embrace the tumult of emotions
Would put to rest any silly notions
That what I went through was not that bad
Others had it worse, had no dad
I feel for them, I really do
But what about what I went through?

Why must I feel bad for having one?
We can trade, I’d rather have none!
You think I’m harsh and should be grateful
You feel a void where I feel hateful
Full of disdain and at times disgust
Prone to doubt and always mistrust

My only prayer is that I don’t become her
Repeat the mistakes of the past in the future
Continue a cycle of raising another hurting generation
Inherit their curse, their damnation
Instead to move forward and begin my exodus
In the hope that one day I’ll be free from all this

2009 © Kim Koetie

The challenge

I agreed, said yes but I didn’t know
Had no clue of how things would go.
This job, this priveledge a huge responsibility
At times seems ok but at times feels too much for me.

I question God, “Am I doing it right?”
Then why does it seem like its one big fight?
Round after round I get knocked out again
Only to rise just before the count of ten.

I guess that I know but am slow to admit
That even in times I would most want to quit
Give in to my fears from so deep inside
Un-bury my ego, my doubt and my pride

That indeed I was chosen, hand picked by Him
To care for and nurture and usher in
Instructing the young ones in the ways of the Son
To love and admonish each and every one

Lay a foundation based on the truth
Capture their hearts at the peak of their youth
Encourage that each one would teach one or two
Living a life completely surrendered to You

Though I know this is how it’s supposed to be
I realise it doesn’t mean this will be easier for me
But I do know that God is all powerful and wise
And so daily to the challenge I will rise

2010 © Kim Koetie

Guilty

You’re not the guilty party but you definitely had your share

In adding to my anguish, the hurt I could not bare

I fear I’ll never trust you or look at you the same

The way you handled my suffering just multiplied my pain

I know you’re gossip mongers but never did I think

You’d turn your wagging tongues at me as fast as you could blink

I know I should forgive you but it’s still so raw inside

I’ve stayed away for so long but not in order to hide

So for now I’ll still avoid you, keep you arms length away

Right now I still can’t face it, I can only take it day by day

2010 © Kim Koetie

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Blahpolar Diaries is one of our resident authors at Our Lived Experience and she’s also quite talented in other areas like design and probably eating chillipoppers (Jalapeno peppers stuffed with Feta cheese and then deep fried). The latter is a guess but I wouldn’t be surprised.

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